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GBTtown posted a comment on Monday 22nd February 2016 7:00pm

Excellent story. So far removed from canon that it is barely recognizable, which is, as Martha says, "a very good thing".

HarnGin posted a comment on Monday 22nd February 2016 9:20am

I'm sorry you chose to abondon this one. I like Paxton and would enjoy reading more of him. I also like that you didn't immediately make Harry and Susan lovey dovey to help with eachother's grief. From experience, I know that keeping busy and having FRIENDS and FAMILY is a great help for handing grief. Jumping into a new romantic relationship would just delay the necessary recovery. I also enjoyed your background on the Bones family. It was much closer to canon than most stories that have Susan living with spinster Aunt Amelia, which never made sense as JKR NEVER mentioned Susan as an orphan.

Regardless, should you decide to develop this one, I, for one, would enjoy reading more. Thanks for sharing it with us.

dennisud posted a comment on Sunday 21st February 2016 9:09pm

This one has a chance at being a really interesting 8-10 chaptered Drama-Romance. Might want to see to that sometime!

starhanyou posted a comment on Saturday 20th February 2016 8:01pm

I liked it -- and I want to 'see' Umbitch's soul sucked out.

While a clever, involved, story would be wonderful, I admit to liking the occasional story where the author goes through the metaphorical room with a shotgun too.

While I'm sure it's considered some kind of character flaw, it annoys me that HP stepped down from being this powerful wizard - Voldemort's equal - to a sacrificial lamb so that things can remain the same in the end.

Micky0077 posted a comment on Saturday 20th February 2016 2:02pm

While Harry!Trains and Harry!GetsSerious are somewhat common enough (I guess), I don't believe they are reliably of sufficient quality in enough quantity to preclude continueing this (what looks to be) good start on a different take. Which would seem to be a wordy way of saying, I don't think there are enough good versions of this type of story and would love to see you do more with this!

diagonalpumpkin posted a comment on Saturday 20th February 2016 8:48am

I like the idea behind this story. I'm fairly fond of stories that pair Harry with someone who is not really a major character and Harry/Susan stories tend to be pretty good. There is usually a bit of digging into politics at the Ministry and among the Aurors which I find interesting, and Harry ends up taking everything more seriously. As you said, GOF feels like it should have been a turning point but it really wasn't in the long run. Nor was OotP, which is also a shame. But I like the way you've written this chapter, and how it sets the tone for the rest of the story. The group of them would seem somewhat similar to the Order of the Phoenix, Amelia and Paxton are working around the Ministry, but actually working within the law and attempting to compile enough information to pull Voldemort in to the light. Rather than just saying "Voldemort is back" like Dumbledore does, trying to actually prove it. That all means that Dumbledore tends to be seen in a bad light, which you've already begun to hint at.

You're right though, it has been done before. But, that doesn't mean that it can't be tweaked and twisted and made more interesting. Your characters are more level headed and procedural than most that I've seen, and the fact that Susan has some experience in legal matters, if not actually Auror training, gives her a definite leg up and keeps her more equal to Harry, rather than him taking the lead on everything. And the interest and involvement of two competant, professional adults also helps to bring a bit of freshness. And the fact that Amelia and Paxton are so concerned with the law means that there probably will not be any "use an illegal time turner to do a lot of extra training and become very good and take everyone by surprise". It's not necessarily a bad trope, and some authors have done it very well (Jeconais for example), but I've seen it abused so much that I'd almost prefer that Harry be unprepared and make it work through luck and cleverness than by actually being prepared.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is: If you ever decided to finish this story, I would love to read it. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Glacialis1 posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 9:19pm

Feels like the beginning of a great story, as always your writing is excellent and engaging. If you ever wrote more of this story. I would read it.

Crys posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 6:12pm

Interesting beginning, though I agree that those stories already exist. Still, fragment worth reading. Thanks for sharing.

BJH posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 3:30pm

I've read Fleming too, albeit quite awhile ago, but I don't recall that particular quote.

It is an interesting starting point. I liked Susan as a typical teen with the typical insecurities. To continue you would have to work to avoid the usual Molly-as-Dumbledore's-agent-to-get-Harry's-money thing. I like the idea of the flawed Paxton as the driver of the story, although it does sort of clash with the diary inserts from Susan. Almost as if you weren't sure who you wanted to tell the story, Paxton or Susan (really liked the use of the nickname Missy for her though, especially if Harry starts to use it too as the friendship develops).

I think the key to pursuing this tale would be finding a unique path to destroying Riddle and not just substituting Susan, Hannah and another student for Ron, Hermione and Ginny then retelling canon. One idea I've had for awhile but never acted on is: why not just destroy Riddle's current body then trap his freed spirit somehow, either in another horcrux or in a bottle like a Djinni. Then you could hunt down the rest of the Horcruxes at your leisure and arrange for the Department of Mysteries to chuck the bottle through the veil after Harry dies a natural death?

BJH

Kokopelli replied:

Diamonds are Forever - 

[Felix]Leiter Chuckled. "Come on lovebirds," he said, looking at his watch. We ought to get going. I've got to get back to Vegas tonight and start looking at the skeleton of our dear dumb friend Shy Smile. And you've got your 'plane to catch. You can go one quarreling at twenty thousand feet. Get a better perspective from there. May even decide to make up and be friends. You know what they say" - he beckoned to the waiter - "nothing propinks like propinquity."
[...]
Bond knew that he was very near to being in love with this girl.[...]

[Ian Fleming, Diamonds are Forever, 26 March 1956/UK]

 

I was planning on alternating POV in this story - Amelia/Paxton/Susan - that would have been more obvious if I'd included the several thousand words that I pruned from this little story.

Noble Korhedron posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 3:00pm

Great chapter; do you think you will ever continue this?

Kokopelli replied:

Odds are against it.  Thanks for your kind words though.

computer5450 posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 1:58pm

very good I enjoyed this story.

Kokopelli replied:

Thanks.

Jason9 posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 12:48pm

I enjoyed it - I think it's the start of a good story. I agree that this particular story premise has been covered before, but as always, it's your writing and storytelling that make it a worthwhile read. I always really enjoy meeting your new/original characters, and often find your interpretations of canon characters to become how I think they should have always been. In any event, thanks for posting!

Kokopelli replied:

I may post a few more chapters, assuming that I ever get them written.

lwj2 posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 8:26am

These two chapters are both a good read and fascinating. Have you and Mr. Intel put the complete story up somewhere, I couldn't find it on either of your sites here on FFA.

Thanks for sharing, and warmest regards.

LWJ2

RMLWJ1@gmail.com

sh777 posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 8:24am

I liked it and it was well written I thought.

Kokopelli replied:

Thanks.

frank stark posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 7:43am

I want you to know that I really enjoyed "By Right of Conquest". "This Changes Everything" has the seeds of a good story. I would like to see how it comes out. Susan Bones could be an interesting character, but in canon she is is merely an extra on the set. Rowley named a lot of people that actually later did not figure much in the story. In many ways I compare it with my high school experience; Out of a class of 500+, I knew perhaps a couple of score. Out of the dozens of teachers, if I were to write of the experience I would name only a few. I have always suspected that Hogwarts was something the same. We have the names of some of the teachers and students who actually had some influence, for good or ill, on Harry Potter. The others, for the most part, are not mentioned. The movie versions, for reasons of economy, are not going to hire any more extras than are absolutely neccessary, and we end up with a much smaller Hogwarts population than would have been the case. But I digress. This story shows a lot of promise. I would enjoy reading the rest. In any case, thank you.

Kokopelli replied:

Just as I broke FanonDaphne! in By Right of Conquest, I'd have to break FanonSusan! if I continued the story - she's not a busty, lusty vixen, she's a teen aged girl, who in this story, just became an orphan.

lwj2 posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 7:24am

I enjoyed it, and think it's an excellent start if you wish to expand it. That said, it stands alone well also. Thanks for sharing it.

Kokopelli replied:

Thanks

Wolfric posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 4:08am

Well I like it. I think it is a good start. Thanks for writing. W.

Sibling Creature posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 2:09am

Honestly I'd have to say It seems alike a good start, story-wise. It has a number of elements I really like, though the big draw for me is Amelia Bones going behind Fudge's back and effectively working with Harry in some way. I'd definitely like to see the story developed further.

-SC

Kokopelli replied:

I could have a lot of fun with Amelia - one of the overlooked gems in the HP fanfic universe.

gadriam posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 1:26am

I liked this. Paxton is intriguing, your Susan has a very good starting point and the picture you paint of the Ministry is very ... governmental. At this point, your Harry is kind of bland, but that's to be expected. So far, he's only been reacting to obvious stimuli. I'm very fond of Agent Potter-stories, where Harry gets to be active with adult support . With Amelia and Paxton as base, i would add an auditor or accountant for a nice, small supportgroup. But that's me.

I've rarely seen magical investigators of this vaguely P.I kind used. Well, i've seen them but i usually get very annoyed at their Perry Masonisms and general Übersherlockness. Paxton has the feel of the real deal. A pretty clever guy who goes to work in the morning and knows how to make a question tree in a notebook. And when not to ask permission..=)

I do understand your reasoning, but this does have potential to go to new places. I'd like to see them..

Thanks

g

Kokopelli replied:

I've known a lot of investigators - the really good ones are plodders with good people skills who get people to open up and start talking.  Yeah, I like Paxton too.

AlexPublius posted a comment on Friday 19th February 2016 12:42am

I'm sorry to hear your muse isn't being cooperative, because I like this story quite a bit. I think you're on the right track keeping the focus on Amelia and Paxton -- there are so many fics that start after 4th or 5th Year which have Harry double down on training and making his way in the world, but relatively few that focus on the adults who are helping him do so. Amelia is a profoundly underrated character, and I like how your OC has ties to the Bones family and Hufflepuff House in general (itself the most underrated of Hogwarts Houses). The 'private investigator'/crime drama feel to the story feels distinctive enough to stick out, especially if you keep the focus on Paxton and other third-party characters and only report on Harry's life through their perspective. I hope you return to this story, but thanks for publishing it as a one-shot if you don't. Keep up the great work!

Kokopelli replied:

Thanks