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gadriam posted a comment on Friday 24th October 2014 1:11pm

This is wonderful. I mean, they're kids! I've read so many stories on the basic "oddly bethrothed" concept and the couple rarely acts like kids. These ones do, and i love it. The britishisms are also a great source of joy and all in all, this is one of the more realistic tales i have read in quite some time.

Thanks.

Kokopelli replied:

In modern times we tend to think of Marriage as something that makes us happy.  That's a rather recent view.

 

As to the britishisms, I was born in Saginaw, Michigan.

BJH posted a comment on Friday 24th October 2014 12:52pm

You seem to be intent on breaking as many fanon stereotypes as you can with this. About the only one I see you following is that Harry is rubish with girls (and that is pretty well established in canon so I can't fault you there). I like that Daphne and Astoria seem to have a typical, i.e. squabbling, type of sister relationship (and another cliche abandoned). You even avoided the evil stepmother fairytale cliche with Grace (one of my daughters' name BTW).

But are you following the road of Kreacher taking Daphne (or whoever is Harry's future wife) as his Mistress even before Harry realizes he is falling for the girl? Do house elves "just know" these sorts of things?

BJH

Kokopelli replied:

Me, breaking things?

Yeah, actually.

 

J

Stormwatcher posted a comment on Friday 24th October 2014 12:48pm

An enjoyable story. I always like a good Haphne. I like that you have done away with the Slytherin Ice Princess persona.

LordSia posted a comment on Thursday 23rd October 2014 2:07pm

Well now, that's an interesting premise. The thing with the goblins felt a bit too pat, if I understand that expression right, but not terribly so. I look forward to reading more.

Kokopelli replied:

Yes, it's pat, but this isn't a Harry and the Goblins story, so I had to put that one on the compressor.  The real work of short stories is learning what to cut so it doesn't turn into a long story.

Dale Dietzman posted a comment on Wednesday 22nd October 2014 9:18pm

So the story continues, I expect. Well done. And may I think you for the stories you have written before and the ones I hope lie in your future. I have aslo enjoyed a number you have been Beta on. So again, my thanks.

Kokopelli replied:

You're quite welcome.

The Seeker posted a comment on Monday 20th October 2014 4:57pm

I'd almost convinced myself this was a one shot, despite nothing but my imagination to point me in that direction. So, after reading your author's notes, I'm ecstatic - for several reasons. Despite complaining that you're rusty from not having written in a while (editorial comment: too long - you've been missed), this first chapter was fabulous - fast moving, extremely well written, tense, descriptive, intriguing - and you've hooked me willingly.

I've seen the use of Queenie for Daphne before. No idea when or where, but as soon as she introduced herself, the memory resurfaced, though without the establishing details. You've set this up exceedingly well, and from your description of Daphne, it will be fun to see where you take us. Any idea how many chapters this will run and what your update schedule will be?

- The Seeker

Kokopelli replied:

Once a week on Fridays.

I just finished Chapter 5 (it's big) and I can probably wrap this story up with another two chapters.

Each chapter is getting a little bigger than the one before, but 5 is almost twice the length of the prior chapters.

Enigma07 posted a comment on Monday 20th October 2014 10:12am

First off, thanks for replying. Not everyone does.

But uh, I think you miss the mark in so far that I am, in fact, author of a few stories. Penname's SeriousScribble on FF.net, my most recent story features Daphne as well and is set Post-Hogwarts too, and in fact stemmed from much the same dislike of overused and badly used tropes (and by all means, do read and criticise, it will only help me). That shouldn't matter, however, as I don't believe it's a necessity to write in order to criticise.

I also apologise if I left the impression to be a Canon stickler, I like AUs just fine; the only reason I even brought it up is because you added that "Canon compliant " in the summary. So we're likely going to just disagree about what Voldemort would or wouldn't do (I can't ever see him binding himself that way, even as a means to an end), which is fine, and no need to further discuss that, and regarding the banking issue -- all right, I accept your point, I don't have your expertise.

That doesn't change the fact, however, that helpful!Goblins and inheritances at Gringotts is one of the most annoyingly overused tropes in all of HP FF.

As for continuing reading -- I thought to give it one more chance once you post the next chapter (after all, the writing from a technical standpoint is competent, which is more than can be said for most FF; I didn't mention that because it seemed obvious for FFA) and probably drop it then, unless, of course, you'd like my comments? I'm of the firm opinion that every bit of criticism is helpful (and this includes story choices), but I'll concede that many people don't see it that way (which isn't supposed to convey any sort of judgement on my part -- it's just the way it is).

Regards,

SeriousScribble

Kokopelli replied:

I'm not familiar with your stories.

 

You seem to disbelieve my premise that Voldemort would marry a 18 year old witch to get something he wants.  

 

My visualization of Voldemort is such that I have no problem believing that if he couldn't steal it or murder someone to get it, he would marry a 18 year old witch, and then consistent with the bridal contract, send the bride away once he got what he wanted.  In times past all sorts of inconvenient wives were shipped off to cottages or convents when they became dispensible.  I don't see Voldemort as being the marrying type (it's all about him, you see) but I don't see marriage as something he wouldn't do to get what he wanted.

 

You're free to say that you can't see Voldemort doing this, but you can't base this objection on canon, as canon is silent.  Voldemort is an incredibly undeveloped charater in JKRs world.

 

Voldemort's action is one of the foundations for this story - if that presents a problem for you, then this is probably not your story of choice.


 

Enigma07 posted a comment on Monday 20th October 2014 7:49am

For all your comments about clichés, I think you end up falling into the trap yourself.

I'm with you that a lot of stories would be a lot better if A) people remembered to separate Fanon from Canon and B) were more creative than using whatever trope for the umpteenth time, but in all fairness, this has to be applied to your story as well. The premise, for instance -- apart from being slightly ridiculous (Voldemort consenting to a marriage? We kinda lost our Canon footing there from the get-go ...), the "right of conquest"-thing has been done before, and I admit I've been rolling my eyes every time. It was bad enough to with the wand nonsense in DH, no need to take it even further.

Another thing is the goblins-as-lawyers trope. Gringotts is a *bank*. I dunno about you, but my bank generally does not handle inheritances. And that's before you consider what DH made abundantly clear -- Goblins are nasty pieces of work. No sane wizard would entrust them with anything more than he had to, and most certainly not handling inheritances (which we see, btw, to be dealt with privately and/or the Ministry in DH, which makes a lot more sense).

So not only is this one of these things that's been used so often people started to think it was Canon, it's also a thoroughly stupid trope that makes no sense at all. This chapter would improve 100% if instead of friendly!Ragnok, it featured nasty!Ragnok, and a wizarding lawyer (or someone from the Ministry, for all I care) explaining what you needed explained.

As it is, it's one more thing to drag it down. I dislike the premise, your usage of Queenie instead of Daphne (I like to think there was a reason Rowling scratched that old name of hers -- it's plain ridiculous) and what you are doing with the goblins, and that's just one too many issue to be able to enjoy it; the positive things, like dealing with the fall-out of the break-in at Gringotts, aren't nearly enough to weigh that up. Sorry.

-SeriousScribble

Kokopelli replied:

Okay, you don't like my story choices.  

Be a big boy/girl and write your own.  

As to Riddle consenting to marriage, I think history is on my side here.  In modern times we think of marriage as an end to self-fulfilment, whilst in more traditional cultures marriages is business, politics and sometimes religion.  Would King Henry VIII have married a women for power or political advantage?  

I don't pretend to be a canonista - which is why my stuff isn't archived on a number of fanfiction archives.

As to the goblins - in canon it's obvious that they're in charge of currency and banking.  It's obvious to me that SOMEONE trusts them, given their role in Wizarding society.  I'm  a lawyer by training, and I worked by way through school in part by working at a bank.  Old style banks had a big, big department called "Wills and Trusts" because the bank was the institution that usually administered such things.  Between trusting the goblins and trusting the Ministry, I'm with the goblins, thanks very much.

 If you want to write a story with thieving, conniving goblins, by all means, go ahead.

As to my choice of "Queenie" I have reasons for choosing this name, which may become evident in future chapters.  As I'm certain you won't be reading further, I won't labor you with them.

Thanks for reading, thanks for reviewing.  Now, take some responsibility and write your own stories.

LittleTom45 posted a comment on Sunday 19th October 2014 4:09pm

This should prove to be interesting. I don't think I have read another story using "right of conquest" as the base story line. The story itself is well written and flows well.

Kokopelli replied:

Look up Aerie22's unfinished gem, Spoils of War - it's a brilliant story.  It's kind of a "Harry ends up with slaves" story, but the story is character driven, not plot driven.

Potter Thinker posted a comment on Sunday 19th October 2014 10:38am

An interesting start. Will be watching for more.

amulder posted a comment on Sunday 19th October 2014 9:39am

Hey, John, good to see you writing again.

I spent the whole chapter thinking you meant Perth, West Australia... but then at the reveal at the end I got confused. Today I learned there is a Perth in the UK...

Your comments about fanon being adopted all over are SO true... The sandbox has gotten crowded, what can you do, eh?

Kokopelli replied:

shovel out the crap and put in more sand - that's what I do at home.

GBTtown posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 11:26pm

I guessed the identity of Queenie, though her connection to Riddle was a real twist!

dpwheels57 posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 7:24pm

You've got my interest in this story. For me, it took a little to see where you were going with the contract. After reading the rest, I understand it better. Should be interesting to see what you do with "happy" couple.

Kokopelli replied:

Aint nobody getting happy any time soon.

Lee Dickie posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 6:36pm

An intriguing and well written take on events at the end.

WhiteElfElder posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 5:03pm

Harry has no idea how deep the lake is he was just plunged unwittingly into.

Kokopelli replied:

True, but he's good at treading water.

sylvelle posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 2:13pm

Excellent return as far as I am concered. Of course what do I know, except what I like.

Sounds interesting, lookinjg forward to more.

Tricia

HopelessFan posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 1:30pm

Welcome back!

You are one of the authors that started me off on HP fanfiction, and its awesome to see that not only have you written something, but its still as great as I remember. Looking forward!

diagonalpumpkin posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 1:23pm

Great way to start the story. I'll admit that inheritance stories sometimes worry me, but the amount of thought and explanation that you have put into this has me really looking forward to the next chapter. Thanks for the good piece, I can't wait for the next one.

tcl7189 posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 1:23pm

Nice start!!!

Evan Mayerle posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 12:52pm

Oh, this is going to get interesting and I suspect Dpahne is going to feel quite relieved and happy about how matters have progressed. OTOH, Ron, being Ron, will undoubtedly rail against Harry becoming involved with the "slimy Slytherin" or some such; it should make for much acrimony and likely will distance him from Harry. Meanwhile, the reactions of Ginevra and Molly Weasley should be quite entertaining and instructive.

Kokopelli replied:

Molly's doped to the gills with potions, having just lost two children and numerous friends.

Ginny's dead, so she's not going to be reacting much.