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Wanderer posted a comment on Monday 24th July 2017 4:04am for Chapter the First

Very enjoyable open, lots of background and your authors know afterwards clarifies a few points and made me laugh at the absurdity of assumptions between Cannon and Fanon :-)

Kokopelli replied:

HP Lexicon is a great resource when I try to figure out if something is canon or fanon.  So many of the tropes in fanon are just lazy.  Lusty busty Susan, the ice princess, nympho Luna, hmm, it seems that it's hitting the girls the worst - why is that?

asingh123 posted a comment on Saturday 5th November 2016 10:10am for Chapter the First

Nice... but think about this

A famous family..... a big book of secrets which is so powerful and secretive that the man can be cut down, tortured and sell his teenage daughter but he won't let the book go.....won't fight for being so powerful...... small changes right

A family that is so powerful, but Voldemort finds out in his second run... oh and such family just happens to be trying to stay neutral ... by selling their daughter to possibly the one person who could end it all.... Britain, world the magic .... but then again logic isn't so common especially in "highly powerful people"

Then we come down back to Harry....

Not as far as "Gay Harry," but I don't know someone who just won a freakin' war, lost one girl who could have been closest to being his love interest...... and then there is this girl who just happens to be in a contract with Voldemort and is in contract with him now....... and

Harry just seem to be taking it like a champ(stone, get it) and interviewing Voldemort's supposed betrothal..... What can I get if I marry you..... the one who Voldemort chose for some reason....which bye the way Harry can't know.....

Matching an out of britain OFC with Harry would have been much better and Logical for a story like this.... at least there could have been a surprise n mystery in that.....

but I am Sorry to say, but this story feels like very much "Illogical" mixture of chiches coming together

Kokopelli replied:

Ask for a refund on your way out.

asingh123 posted a comment on Thursday 3rd November 2016 1:48pm for Chapter the First

This story though different is too unredable....

You used Harry similarly to JKR.... as a stone in position.....

Now that Dumbles and Voldie are gone from chipping the Stone.... Here come Goblins, a supposedly "Very Powerful" yet handicapped Greengrass family, a different Hermione Granger.....

No change in Harry..... What was the point of these interesting concepts

Kokopelli replied:

Well, I'm sorry you didn't find the story to be redable.

The point of FanFic (as I've practiced it) it to change a few things and then see what happens.  Yes, we could change everything, but then Harry's a gay teenager going to High School in Texas, Hermione's a trans girl who was originally named Howard, yada, yada, yada.  I'd be interested to see if your opinion changes by chapter three.

papiliokaze posted a comment on Sunday 28th August 2016 8:16am for Chapter the First

the blasé reactions in the face of the death of close family members, as you described it is supremely unrealistic. Ron just mentions it off-hand and immediatly moves on with Hermione going of to Australia. You don't react like that when your nearest siblings die.

Kokopelli replied:

Well, your experience may be different than mine.  The day my father died I went to work and finished writing a brief because my deadline for submitting it was that day.  People experience grief differently: some fall apart, some are angry berserkers, others are in denial, the variety of human response is great.

Gary the Grouch posted a comment on Sunday 3rd January 2016 12:46am for Chapter the First

Great start to a story, well-written and rich in detail.

Kokopelli replied:

Thanks - it's been years since I've written, so it was good to get back into the saddle.

Aaran St Vines posted a comment on Thursday 20th November 2014 7:26am for Chapter the First

It is great to see you back at it again. I have so much writing for work and for "my other work" that I cannot see myself getting back in soon - but I really hope to.

Your point about originality in fanfiction is one of the most important things I look for the genre. You're off to an intriguing start with this tale.

Though I don't know that you need it, if you want another set of eyes, I volunteer. I am a speedy beta.

Best regards!

sanbeegoldiewhitey posted a comment on Thursday 20th November 2014 12:18am for Chapter the First

Very interesting and for me very original. I have never read a story where Voldemort was betrothed to any witch.

Kokopelli replied:

I try to do new things.

delphinous posted a comment on Sunday 16th November 2014 10:57pm for Chapter the First

i've only read the first chapter of this story, at the moment, and i intend to continue to read it, as i am currently enjoying it. however, i am writing this review to point out that in this story: by right of conquest, you start off this chapter (chapter the first) with journal entries that are dated in the later months of 1997, and then move on to harry vanquishing voldemort in the early months of 1997. it is a small error, but it had me rather confused for a while, because i wasn't sure if it was indicating that harry had become tom riddle by right of conquest and we were seeing 'future' events or if it was just a continuity error.

sorry if this isn't a nice review, i am liking to story so far and am going to keep reading it.

Kokopelli replied:

Thanks, I guess I'll have to cut the pay of my continuity checker.  It's fixed now.

The story begins in summer of 1997 and ends in the summer of 1998.

brad posted a comment on Thursday 30th October 2014 12:55am for Chapter the First

What a nice surprise, to see something new from you! The King of Epistolary stories is back!

> I started playing with this story to get my writing muscles back in shape. Jeepers, I'm rusty!

Nah, it's all good.

> “Fred Weasley is dead; so is Ginny,”

Excellent, the path to Harry/Hermione nirvana is cleared. I look forward to reading anyother Kokopelli Classic with Harry and Hermione falling in love and getting married and --

> You won't see much of Ron or Hermione -

Wait, what?

Clearly it's time to get my own 'lobbying Kokopelli to write H/Hr' muscles back in shape ...

:-)

I said 'excellent' to GInny's death for the joke sequence above - yes, I was joking - but that's rather sad, really. I'm not a ghoul. Ginny wasn't a very nice girl on the personal (minor details?) front but she still put her life on the line in 5th year and 6th year and at the Hogwarts battle. And you have her dying heroically here. So no, I won't rejoice in her death.

The idea of a young girl having sexual relations with Riddle is just ... ugh.

> “Kingsley said that they were going to have a Truth Commission, just like in South Africa,” Hermione said.

I do hope so. It would be very satisfying to see the bad guys actually get punished (this time). That Imperius Curse excuse is so ... arggh.

> - Luna dropped a cold, black stone into his palm; he knew without looking that it was the Resurrection Stone.

This maybe augurs well for the course of this story. I haven't read too many which have dealt - in a practical manner, one of your strengths - with the immediate repercussions of the series proper. Harry told everyone about the all-powerful Deus Ex Machina stick in Rowling's farcical melodramatic showdown - silly boy - so everyone's going to be gunning for him, I'd imagine. I'm curious to know what you're going to do with the Stone (and with the 'Master of Death' schtick).

> For some reason the sight of her walking slowly with her head down broke his heart.

I think you gave nod here to a possible H/Luna relationship? "Do you want to be alone?". Hmm. Sort of sad to see the possibility evaporate.

Looking forward to more, good to see you back!

Kokopelli replied:

Brad,

So good to hear from you again.  Notwithstanding your H/Hr fetish, I always enjoy your reviews.

As backstory, yes, Ginny did die heroically, pushing Hermione out of the path of a lethal spell.  Ginny cleared the spell too, but then managed to nick her femoral artery and bleed out while concussed.

Daphne wasn't too chuffed with the notion of doing Riddle either.

The Truth Commission would make a great background for a long, long story, but I have no intention of writing that one right now.  It gets some play in this one, but as background.

In this story, Harry does indeed own all three Hallows, but he finds it to be less than advertised.  There's a scene with Xenophilus that might get written in which Harry explains that the Hallows aren't all that.

I'd love to write a Harry-Luna story, but I can't write her convincingly.  Maybe someday.

Thanks for your kind words.

 

LordSia posted a comment on Thursday 23rd October 2014 2:07pm for Chapter the First

Well now, that's an interesting premise. The thing with the goblins felt a bit too pat, if I understand that expression right, but not terribly so. I look forward to reading more.

Kokopelli replied:

Yes, it's pat, but this isn't a Harry and the Goblins story, so I had to put that one on the compressor.  The real work of short stories is learning what to cut so it doesn't turn into a long story.

Dale Dietzman posted a comment on Wednesday 22nd October 2014 9:18pm for Chapter the First

So the story continues, I expect. Well done. And may I think you for the stories you have written before and the ones I hope lie in your future. I have aslo enjoyed a number you have been Beta on. So again, my thanks.

Kokopelli replied:

You're quite welcome.

The Seeker posted a comment on Monday 20th October 2014 4:57pm for Chapter the First

I'd almost convinced myself this was a one shot, despite nothing but my imagination to point me in that direction. So, after reading your author's notes, I'm ecstatic - for several reasons. Despite complaining that you're rusty from not having written in a while (editorial comment: too long - you've been missed), this first chapter was fabulous - fast moving, extremely well written, tense, descriptive, intriguing - and you've hooked me willingly.

I've seen the use of Queenie for Daphne before. No idea when or where, but as soon as she introduced herself, the memory resurfaced, though without the establishing details. You've set this up exceedingly well, and from your description of Daphne, it will be fun to see where you take us. Any idea how many chapters this will run and what your update schedule will be?

- The Seeker

Kokopelli replied:

Once a week on Fridays.

I just finished Chapter 5 (it's big) and I can probably wrap this story up with another two chapters.

Each chapter is getting a little bigger than the one before, but 5 is almost twice the length of the prior chapters.

Enigma07 posted a comment on Monday 20th October 2014 10:12am for Chapter the First

First off, thanks for replying. Not everyone does.

But uh, I think you miss the mark in so far that I am, in fact, author of a few stories. Penname's SeriousScribble on FF.net, my most recent story features Daphne as well and is set Post-Hogwarts too, and in fact stemmed from much the same dislike of overused and badly used tropes (and by all means, do read and criticise, it will only help me). That shouldn't matter, however, as I don't believe it's a necessity to write in order to criticise.

I also apologise if I left the impression to be a Canon stickler, I like AUs just fine; the only reason I even brought it up is because you added that "Canon compliant " in the summary. So we're likely going to just disagree about what Voldemort would or wouldn't do (I can't ever see him binding himself that way, even as a means to an end), which is fine, and no need to further discuss that, and regarding the banking issue -- all right, I accept your point, I don't have your expertise.

That doesn't change the fact, however, that helpful!Goblins and inheritances at Gringotts is one of the most annoyingly overused tropes in all of HP FF.

As for continuing reading -- I thought to give it one more chance once you post the next chapter (after all, the writing from a technical standpoint is competent, which is more than can be said for most FF; I didn't mention that because it seemed obvious for FFA) and probably drop it then, unless, of course, you'd like my comments? I'm of the firm opinion that every bit of criticism is helpful (and this includes story choices), but I'll concede that many people don't see it that way (which isn't supposed to convey any sort of judgement on my part -- it's just the way it is).

Regards,

SeriousScribble

Kokopelli replied:

I'm not familiar with your stories.

 

You seem to disbelieve my premise that Voldemort would marry a 18 year old witch to get something he wants.  

 

My visualization of Voldemort is such that I have no problem believing that if he couldn't steal it or murder someone to get it, he would marry a 18 year old witch, and then consistent with the bridal contract, send the bride away once he got what he wanted.  In times past all sorts of inconvenient wives were shipped off to cottages or convents when they became dispensible.  I don't see Voldemort as being the marrying type (it's all about him, you see) but I don't see marriage as something he wouldn't do to get what he wanted.

 

You're free to say that you can't see Voldemort doing this, but you can't base this objection on canon, as canon is silent.  Voldemort is an incredibly undeveloped charater in JKRs world.

 

Voldemort's action is one of the foundations for this story - if that presents a problem for you, then this is probably not your story of choice.


 

Enigma07 posted a comment on Monday 20th October 2014 7:49am for Chapter the First

For all your comments about clichés, I think you end up falling into the trap yourself.

I'm with you that a lot of stories would be a lot better if A) people remembered to separate Fanon from Canon and B) were more creative than using whatever trope for the umpteenth time, but in all fairness, this has to be applied to your story as well. The premise, for instance -- apart from being slightly ridiculous (Voldemort consenting to a marriage? We kinda lost our Canon footing there from the get-go ...), the "right of conquest"-thing has been done before, and I admit I've been rolling my eyes every time. It was bad enough to with the wand nonsense in DH, no need to take it even further.

Another thing is the goblins-as-lawyers trope. Gringotts is a *bank*. I dunno about you, but my bank generally does not handle inheritances. And that's before you consider what DH made abundantly clear -- Goblins are nasty pieces of work. No sane wizard would entrust them with anything more than he had to, and most certainly not handling inheritances (which we see, btw, to be dealt with privately and/or the Ministry in DH, which makes a lot more sense).

So not only is this one of these things that's been used so often people started to think it was Canon, it's also a thoroughly stupid trope that makes no sense at all. This chapter would improve 100% if instead of friendly!Ragnok, it featured nasty!Ragnok, and a wizarding lawyer (or someone from the Ministry, for all I care) explaining what you needed explained.

As it is, it's one more thing to drag it down. I dislike the premise, your usage of Queenie instead of Daphne (I like to think there was a reason Rowling scratched that old name of hers -- it's plain ridiculous) and what you are doing with the goblins, and that's just one too many issue to be able to enjoy it; the positive things, like dealing with the fall-out of the break-in at Gringotts, aren't nearly enough to weigh that up. Sorry.

-SeriousScribble

Kokopelli replied:

Okay, you don't like my story choices.  

Be a big boy/girl and write your own.  

As to Riddle consenting to marriage, I think history is on my side here.  In modern times we think of marriage as an end to self-fulfilment, whilst in more traditional cultures marriages is business, politics and sometimes religion.  Would King Henry VIII have married a women for power or political advantage?  

I don't pretend to be a canonista - which is why my stuff isn't archived on a number of fanfiction archives.

As to the goblins - in canon it's obvious that they're in charge of currency and banking.  It's obvious to me that SOMEONE trusts them, given their role in Wizarding society.  I'm  a lawyer by training, and I worked by way through school in part by working at a bank.  Old style banks had a big, big department called "Wills and Trusts" because the bank was the institution that usually administered such things.  Between trusting the goblins and trusting the Ministry, I'm with the goblins, thanks very much.

 If you want to write a story with thieving, conniving goblins, by all means, go ahead.

As to my choice of "Queenie" I have reasons for choosing this name, which may become evident in future chapters.  As I'm certain you won't be reading further, I won't labor you with them.

Thanks for reading, thanks for reviewing.  Now, take some responsibility and write your own stories.

LittleTom45 posted a comment on Sunday 19th October 2014 4:09pm for Chapter the First

This should prove to be interesting. I don't think I have read another story using "right of conquest" as the base story line. The story itself is well written and flows well.

Kokopelli replied:

Look up Aerie22's unfinished gem, Spoils of War - it's a brilliant story.  It's kind of a "Harry ends up with slaves" story, but the story is character driven, not plot driven.

Potter Thinker posted a comment on Sunday 19th October 2014 10:38am for Chapter the First

An interesting start. Will be watching for more.

amulder posted a comment on Sunday 19th October 2014 9:39am for Chapter the First

Hey, John, good to see you writing again.

I spent the whole chapter thinking you meant Perth, West Australia... but then at the reveal at the end I got confused. Today I learned there is a Perth in the UK...

Your comments about fanon being adopted all over are SO true... The sandbox has gotten crowded, what can you do, eh?

Kokopelli replied:

shovel out the crap and put in more sand - that's what I do at home.

GBTtown posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 11:26pm for Chapter the First

I guessed the identity of Queenie, though her connection to Riddle was a real twist!

dpwheels57 posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 7:24pm for Chapter the First

You've got my interest in this story. For me, it took a little to see where you were going with the contract. After reading the rest, I understand it better. Should be interesting to see what you do with "happy" couple.

Kokopelli replied:

Aint nobody getting happy any time soon.

Lee Dickie posted a comment on Saturday 18th October 2014 6:36pm for Chapter the First

An intriguing and well written take on events at the end.